I've been MIA for a while now, I know, and for regular readers, my apologies. It's been a tough six months or so. I've had increasing pain, therefore increasing analgesia accompanied by increasing brain fog. The Orencia infusions have been giving me a couple of good-ish weeks out of the four from infusion to infusion, and I'm well aware that that's not good enough, but it's also been a busy and pressured time with a number of other things going on.
The emotional impact has knocked me for a six. Those of you who follow The Original Dragon Mother on Facebook - link HERE - will have been watching daily photos going up from Fat Mum Slim's Photo a Day challenge, as I chose to drop them on that page as well as within the FB page for the group. And not much else. Certainly not blog posts from me. As I've written previously, I started that photo challenge in January this year, partly to try and kick start my art practice again - in my mind, I had optimistic visions taking a photo each day to post and doing a drawing each day too. That hasn't happened. The photos, yes - the drawings, no. I've been writing for work as the assignments come in, but nothing else, really. Deadlines for competitions have come and gone, and ideas to pitch have sat in the slush pile with nothing happening to them. Eventually, I stopped and looked at all of that, and recognised all the signs of depression, and then had to come to grips with what was going on.
Rheumatoid arthritis, like all autoimmune diseases, is chronic, incurable, degenerative and painful. For twenty years after my initial diagnosis, I got off extremely lightly. Flares aside - they were nasty and debilitating - it was mild, and manageable. When the wheels fell off in 2013, it all happened very fast. Before I knew what had hit me, I was in hospital barely able to walk, hot on the heels of having pretty much lost July of that year to Methotrexate and the brain fog that was more like a complete brain wipe out, because I really don't have memories of that month at all. There were so many doctors, so many tests, so many drugs, and then more drugs, and reactions and allergies, then different drugs, constant testing and monitoring. It's a really BUSY thing, having a chronic illness. Meantime, there were other pressures - stuff with Dragon Dad's business, family stuff, our interstate move, the inevitable isolation that happens at the beginning of establishing yourself in a new place, new doctors, etc, etc... BUSY. Then things started to settle. Routines got established. I acquired friends on the ground that I could meet up with and hang with. Dragon Dad put the business on hold and got a job in real estate - something he's always wanted to do - and started being gone a lot.
And I was a bit of a mess, to be brutally honest. Even he doesn't know how bad its been - that would be an added pressure he just doesn't need. The Photo a Day challenge became, quite often, the thing that got me out of bed. Sitting on FB chatting to people in the group via comment threads on photos became my main socialisation. That, the cafe down the road, and meetups with a few people I see regularly. Until I realised I had to come to grips with it all or I was going to get myself stuck in that safe little rut - and that's not a healthy option.
The crux of it, in simple terms, is that I'm NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER. Looking at those words is awful. Living it is worse. How I am right now is, possibly, the best I'll ever be looking ahead in time. I don't know. I'm looking at a change in biologics by the end of the year, if not sooner. I've just rejigged my pain management drugs and am getting acquainted with my first opioid as the base medication, in the form of a patch on my arm. A new bio may work better and change everything. It may not. What it won't do - what it can't do - is make it go away. Nothing can do that until the scientists who are doing the research figure out a way to cure the disease.
There ARE worse things. I do know that. And there are people I know - good friends - who also have autoimmune diseases, some of them have multiple diseases, who are far sicker. Are in more pain. Have much bleaker outlooks. And I feel for them, and try to support them as much as it's possible for someone who's geographically distant in some cases, but at best, just a pair of ears. Here's the thing though - there is a lot of 'competition' about degrees of illness and disability in the online world of chronic illness. It generates, at times, some very bad behaviour online. That disgusts me. We all have enough to deal with on a daily basis without that crap. This isn't about me trying to make a case for how sick I am. This is me trying to come to grips with, and explain, what the sense of confronting a long term, incurable disease is like. Because no matter how severe or mild it may be - and I've now had the dubious privilege of experiencing a wide rage of those - it's ALWAYS going to be there.
That's what's had me hit the wall over these last few months. Having the absolute reality of that really sink in. I am ill. Ill enough to require specialist care for the rest of my life, powerful scheduled drugs to control the disease, and to have to take each day as it comes, knowing that some days I simply won't be able to manage the things I had planned and will have to cancel. I will always be ill. It's hard. It's confronting. It's pretty damned scary. I'm in pain. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night so I'm always tired. My patience - never my most outstanding personal characteristic - is in very short supply. I just don't have the energy to be patient with so much of what life can throw up. Nor do I even have the energy to lose my temper when things really jam themselves up my nose. That pisses me off - that catharsis of having a really good big temper tantrum (regardless of the grovelling afterwards that might be necessary) is lost to me because I just can't afford to waste emotional and physical energy like that.
I don't know if I've made a lot of sense in this post. I'm still not really OK. I'm still really struggling with this. I still haven't talked to Dragon Dad about it because he's SO preoccupied with the pressures of his new job and the targets he needs to meet that his ability to sit through me fumbling around trying to make myself clear is just not there right now. It's also something that will worry him and add to his stress, which is already considerable. So I'm telling anyone who reads this instead! Because I have to say it all in some way before I implode, because until I own it, I can't work my way through it. So here it is, in all its messy glory... Watch this space. Now I've opened the dam gates, there will probably be more to come!
To wrap up, here's one of my recent photos - because it's far nicer than a photo of my arm with a cannula in it, or a photo of my current meds, or anything else RA related... It's a sunrise taken from our back yard one morning a few weeks ago - straight off the phone camera too - no editing. It really was that intense and beautiful!